There's a scene at the end of Steel Magnolias where a friend asks Sally Field how she's doing following her daughter's funeral. She's says, "I'm fine." Then yells it, "I'M FINE!!!!!!!!!" She goes on to say that while her daughter is now buried in the ground, she is fine and healthy, and that it feels rotten.
That's a bit how I've felt this past week. My friends at the school where I taught up until this year faced tragedy. The kind that makes national news. It has been awful, gut-wrenching, and heart-breaking. But I'm fine.
It has brought back to my mind how much I miss my school and my friends there. I miss the routine of going there every day and seeing everyone. I miss teaching. But I'm fine.
They lost one of their administrators to this awful event, they will say good-bye to her tomorrow. The head principal was also shot and faces a long road back. The people left to run the school have a mountain of work ahead of them, all the while trying to deal with their own emotions.
Meanwhile I'm snowed in and unable to be there to give my friends a hug. But really, I'm fine.
I have so much swirling in my head about school shootings and angry teenagers and tragedies and why. But I'll just leave them there. This was something I thought about almost every day when I worked there, knowing that an angry teenager with a gun could cause so much pain.
There were people who told me last week that they were glad I wasn't there any more, that they were so glad that I was safe. It's been so weird how differently I feel about that. I can't be there, I wasn't there, and I'm fine.
Fine just doesn't always feel so good.