Monday, January 10, 2011

I'm Fine

There's a scene at the end of Steel Magnolias where a friend asks Sally Field how she's doing following her daughter's funeral. She's says, "I'm fine." Then yells it, "I'M FINE!!!!!!!!!" She goes on to say that while her daughter is now buried in the ground, she is fine and healthy, and that it feels rotten.

That's a bit how I've felt this past week. My friends at the school where I taught up until this year faced tragedy. The kind that makes national news. It has been awful, gut-wrenching, and heart-breaking. But I'm fine.

It has brought back to my mind how much I miss my school and my friends there. I miss the routine of going there every day and seeing everyone. I miss teaching. But I'm fine.

They lost one of their administrators to this awful event, they will say good-bye to her tomorrow. The head principal was also shot and faces a long road back. The people left to run the school have a mountain of work ahead of them, all the while trying to deal with their own emotions.

Meanwhile I'm snowed in and unable to be there to give my friends a hug. But really, I'm fine.

I have so much swirling in my head about school shootings and angry teenagers and tragedies and why. But I'll just leave them there. This was something I thought about almost every day when I worked there, knowing that an angry teenager with a gun could cause so much pain.

There were people who told me last week that they were glad I wasn't there any more, that they were so glad that I was safe. It's been so weird how differently I feel about that. I can't be there, I wasn't there, and I'm fine.

Fine just doesn't always feel so good.

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8 comments:

Nan | WrathOfMom said...

I read about the shooting (on cnn.com) and immediately thought of you and your husband and your little ones. Feeling rotten about being fine is probably pretty healthy -- to feel otherwise would be callous. And you are one of the least callous people I know.

Aliki2006 said...

Oh, I hadn't heard about this until now--how horrible and just utterly tragic, on every level, and for everyone involved. Don't feel badly about being fine, although it's probably healthy to feel so. Hug yourself and your family--I'm glad you're fine.

Jenifer said...

I hadn't heard about this either...what is going on in Arizona is filling our channels here. That is awful and while I have not been in your shoes, I can imagine how much relief and how bad you can feel at the same time.

Not be morbid, but we have been talking a lot about death in our house. My father-in-law has cancer that has spread and it is in three places. He is doing chemo and is on a drug trial and so far, one of the tumour is shrinking and the others are stable (not growing or shrinking) - he is fine with this. He says when his time is up it will be up, you can't go around waiting to die.

My Mom says, everything happens for a reason, it consoles her when faith alone brings cloudy answers. I myself have no great insights. It was tragic on so many levels, lives ended, a teen in so much pain he did this and killed himself.

All I know is it is not about the guns, it is about helping these kids who feel so alone. Helping them to understand life is not that bad and even if it is bad, it won't be bad forever. They need to know they have the power to change, the ability to be loved and the courage to seek them both.

I hope everyone at your old school finds the strength to carry on.

Jen said...

I wondered if you were going to post anything about this. So sorry for you and everyone involved.

Mimi in the Midwest said...

Fine is fine.

Swistle said...

Oh, man, that scene in that movie makes me cry SO HARD. Your last line wraps it up so well.

nikkis30by30 said...

This made me cry. Not only because of the movie scene you described, but because I'm fine is my mantra these days. We should talk soon. I love you!! ***HUGS***

Terra said...

oh I had chills reading this. What a strange place to be caught between fine and no so fine really. We have all been there for different reasons. I am sorry you are there now.