Monday, April 30, 2007
Here is the email I sent tonight to a friend whose daughter goes to preschool with my little Brenna:
I started crying tonight when I found the invite to Viv's dance class in my van. No, really.
I saw it when you put it in our box and was so excited. We're planning to start Brenna at that studio this summer (*Hubby* went to high school with Season) and I knew how much fun that would be for Brenna. I honestly was thinking it was this week. And we missed it.
I've been so lost lately. With two close coworkers literally fighting for their lives with cancer and me picking up the pieces at school while they're gone...and it being my first year of teaching...it has me pretty scattered lately. I miss appointments, forget things, screw up bills and our budget. *Hubby* keeps wondering why I'm so unorganized, he really doesn't get it. So here I am crying puddles over one more thing I've missed.
Sorry for the vent, I just wanted you to know I really wanted to bring Brenna last week. I just missed it.
I can't get anything straight lately. My brain rambles on and on. My body wants to do NOTHING. I try to keep it all together, but suddenly things are tumbling in on me. And tonight it's got me weepy and sad.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
* a roof over my head
* good health
* a good husband who is faithful and takes care of us
* We joined our church today and that felt really great. This church has become such a big part of our lives. Our kids go there for daycare/preschool and we also worship there. The church is really close to our house and everyone there is so nice. It's nice to make it "official" that we are members.
* Our friends hosted a fun party tonight and the kids were able to splash in the kiddie pool. This is one of Brenna's favorite activities and it made her day. When I asked her not to stand on the swing set on a particularly narrow bar, she came to me and said, "But Mommy, I really want to climb on the bar, it's my DREAM. And I want to make it come true." It was too funny! My answer was still no but all of us parents had to give her props for her originality. None of the parents there had heard that excuse. "It is my dream."
Well - that's it for now. Short and sweet.
Have a great week.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
We're going to have to get into a routine because I'm a terrible housekeeper and can be an impatient mom. I want us to do lots of fun things like going to the zoo and running through the sprinkler. I'd also love to please the hubby and keep the house sparkling clean. The two don't really go together do they? Still, it's so fun to finally have something awesome to look forward to!
Monday, April 23, 2007
If this doesn't at least make you choke back a tiny tear, your heart is cold and you should be frightened. Okay, I exaggerate. But seriously - check it out. It was such a FUN night. This is what makes life good. This is why I go to work every stinkin' day.
Thanks, Jacque, for the link!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I happen to be looking for her shoes in the t.v. room now.
"Mommy! I can't see the t.v."
"Brenna, I'm looking for your shoes."
"That's okay Mommy. Just don't look for them in front of the t.v."
Sigh. Never did find those sneakers, she's wearing flip flops with her sweat pants today.
Monday, April 16, 2007
School shootings seem common, but they really are not. Yet it's in my head almost every day. Not a paralyzing fear, more of an awareness. That there are wackos. That mental illness is a problem. That teenagers are impulsive. That we've got kids at our school with anger problems. Kids who are in gangs. Many a lunch table conversation among my coworkers have revolved around what each of us would do if met with a student and a gun. It's scary.
Tonight hubby and I had to watch NBC and their coverage of Virginia Tech. The shootings that happened there today have set records in terms of mass shootings and deaths in American history. The worst campus massacre in our history. Of course, they also had to review the shootings at the Amish school that occurred a few months ago. And Columbine High School.. We were also reminded that April 20th is the anniversary of that horrible tragedy. It left me trembling.
Tonight there are families who have lost their babies to a young man with a gun. He took many, many lives along with him. Tonight there are people who are planning their son's and daughter's funerals instead of their graduation. Kids who were probably planning graduation receptions or summer vacations. Gone. Dreams of future careers or of first generation post-secondary degrees, gone. Theses that will never be finished. Engagements that have ended. Young lives taken for absolutely no reason.
I leave my own kids for 10 hours a day at our church daycare. I feel that they are safe. I don't worry about much more than a virus going around or a scrape on the playground. It is unimaginable what happened today. It makes me want to stay home and be "safe". Kids should not have to be scared to go to school to learn. Teachers should not have to fear going to work.
Answers will come out. He was crazy. He had a fight with his girlfriend. He had been kicked out of his program of study. Who knows? All I know is that tonight all I can do is pray for those families and for the kids left behind, who will be stunned with fear for so long. Pray for professors and officers and college faculty who will have to find the courage to go back to work. And I thank God for the safety of my family. And that tonight we are all here together. Sleeping soundly under the same roof for another night.
I'm so sad for those who aren't. And I pray for their sorrow and that they will somehow find comfort in others. Tomorrow morning they are having an assembly in their basketball arena. A campus that enrolls 25,000 kids. Will anyone show up? What can they possibly say? I don't know what else they can possibly do. But I know the world will be watching to find out.
Please God give the people handling the fallout from this tragedy wisdom and patience. Many are trying to place blame for this horrific event. Please also give the media covering this event intelligence and empathy. Please help people to see ways to help and lead them in that direction. Please help this bring people together rather than divide. Please be with them tonight and through it all.
Me: "Uncle Brad."
The Girl: "Oh. And why don't you live with him now?"
Hubby: "Honey, big people don't live with their mommies and daddies and brothers, they live with their own families."
The Girl: "But Daddy, I won't have any money for a house of my own."
Hubby: "I promise you can live with us until you are ready for a house and a family of your own."
The Girl, after thinking for a minute: "Daddy, I think you should hide some money for me and I'll come get it when I'm ready for my own house."
Hubby, laughing: "Okay, I'll hide away some money, just for you."
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
So I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and wondering why I couldn't. I'm usually in bed and asleep by 10:00. It's 10:30, I should really be asleep. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was 10:30 on the nose on this very night last year when I went into labor with you. And so begins my tribute, I will tell you (and the world, apparently) of your arrival into this world. It is a story worth telling, trust me.
At 10:30 p.m. on the night of April 10th, 2006, I went to bed and tried to fall asleep. I had a contraction. A contraction! I was so excited - I had been waiting for any sign that you were on your way. Your first sign was a pretty strong contraction. I laid in bed after that, sitting up every little bit as I would have more contractions. I wondered, should I be watching the clock? So I did. About 10 minutes apart or so. No biggie. I labored like this with Bee for a day and a half. My thinking was that I would go into my scheduled appointment with the OB/GYN the next day at 11:40 a.m. and would probably get admitted into the hospital to have you. That's sort of how it worked with Brenna, thought it would be fine if you wanted to do it the same.
I woke up your daddy around midnight and told him I'd been having contractions for about an hour and a half, so I'd probably need him to drive me to my doctor's appointment the next day at 11:40 a.m. I was thinking ahead, figuring I probably wouldn't be up for driving after having contractions for TWELVE hours. Did I really think it would take that long? But I'm getting ahead of myself...
The contractions continued. 7 minutes. 9 minutes. 11 minutes. Pretty regular for over an hour. Guess I should try to remember how regular and for how long before we go in. Everyone says labor as long as you can at home, it's better that way. It took almost two days for Brenna to come out, I figured you would be no different. Besides, I've had no sign prior to this that you were coming. This quick labor came as quite a surprise!
Around 3:30, I got nervous. I woke your daddy up (yes, he slept the whole night as Mommy labored right in the room) and called the doctor's. They said call the labor & delivery at the hospital. Okay. Calling them, having trouble talking a lot by then. Contractions are every few minutes. They say come on in and get checked. Okay.
4:00 a.m. The big daddy of all contractions brought me to my knees in the bedroom. I'm stumbling around by then because I haven't got a bag packed yet. That's on tomorrow's to do list. You know by now, Mommy's a last minute kind of gal. Grandma and Grandpa are on their way to get Bee. Daddy's getting excited, though a little nervous due to the heavy breathing and loud moans and groans from Mommy. I'm not going to lie, Buddy, by then it was getting serious.
I got to the van at about 4:30. Dropped to my knees in the driveway and shouted so loud I thought I'd wake the neighbors. Contractions are a minute apart by now. Mommy's tummy really hurts now. On the way there, Mommy kept saying, "I can't do this." And also some other things that I can't type here. You know Mommy doesn't usually say swear words, but tonight was a special night and I said them all. I didn't know it then, but I was in what they call "transition". So we got to the hospital. I only dropped to my knees once in the parking lot and then they got me into a wheelchair. I will call in the wail chair, because I was one loud mama. They checked me right as they wheeled me up to the table. We were just in time because your Mommy was at 10 cm. when we got there and I was ready to have you!
I'll spare you the details of the rest. Let's just say I pushed twice about 15 minutes later and it was all over but the stuff you really don't want me to talk about. And you were beautiful. And the nurses forgave me for the swatting and the swearing and the sputtering. You were worth it.
The story made it all over the hospital. About the baby who was born at 5:02 a.m. to a Mommy who had gotten there 20 minutes prior. And I loved you from the very first moment. You completed our happy little family and we haven't looked back once. We may not have planned to have you when we did (just a couple of years earlier than our plan) and we may have barely made it to the hospital, but you have been a wonderful blessing since your very first breath.
Thank you for being a beautiful baby. Thank you for becoming a loving and adventurous toddler. I will do my best to teach you to be a respectful and kind young man who is, above all, not a jackass.
I love you, Buddy. I really do.
Monday, April 9, 2007
There are many things I do enjoy as a mom: playing dolls, Barbies, make-believe, all holidays and traditions that go with them (for the most part), singing, dancing, being silly, watching cartoons, going for walks, playing outside, outings to the zoo, the children's museum, going to the playground, to name a few.
Then there are the aforementioned things that either turn my brain to goo (singing the same song over and over or reading the same book we've already read twice) or terrify me (swimming pools, high places, amusement park rides). All things that amused me as a child, but not as a mom.The latest in this long line of requisite childhood goings on that I do not enjoy nearly as much as I did in my developmental years: dying Easter eggs. We got about halfway into this project and I realized that I was not enjoying myself and wasn't really sure why were even doing it. Between my constant wiping off of the counter (man, that stuff can stain) and Brenna screeching, "Why are you doing it all?! Why can't I do anything?!?!?!", it was not pure entertainment. It just wasn't.
They are cute.
And Brenna ended up having fun. She thought the pink ones were pretty and liked drawing on them with a white crayon and then seeing how it looked after they were dyed. Overall, pretty much a success. Just not nearly as fun as I remembered.
When we were done, I was stumped. What do you do with all of these eggs? Huh. Really stumped. I actually called my sister-in-law, "What am I going to with all of these *$%#! eggs in my fridge?". She just laughed at me. "Well...egg salad is always a good choice", she said.
A delicious option. I must say, it was pretty darned good salad for my first try. It certainly made dying eggs a much more profitable pursuit.
There are just things, I guess, that I won't enjoy as much as my kids. As much of an adult kid as I always consider myself, I suppose there are just some things that won't have the same sparkle as they once did. I will do them, not for myself, but for the kids. Novel idea.
So be it. At least my kids will have those same fond memories and will hopefully want their own kids to have such fun some day.
After all, that's what it's all about.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
So, without further ado, the Q & A:
This one is tough for me because I always want to see acts that come to Omaha, and there are a lot. Billy Joel and Elton John came together last year and I really wanted to go to that, but didn't. American Idols Live came to town and I really wanted to see that (because yes, I am a geek who watches American Idol), but didn't. On my mind right now are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill because they are coming to town in June and I'm not going. I like the music they do together and apart, I have for a lot of years - and would love to see them together live. Our "extra" money (ha, ha, ha) never goes for something as expensive as a concert.
Past - probably a big show, like The Beatles. A predictable choice, I know, but their music is awesome and it would have been fun to be part of the craze (if I weren't claustrophobic and terrified of large, out-of-control crowds).
I'm pretty much in awe of anyone with the talent to sing, so I am even impressed at high school productions if the kids can sing (the swing choirs in our district are really good).
2. A telemarketer calls at a highly inconvenient moment, and you do not wish to stay on the line. Do you end the call by being polite or by being rude?
Rude. My typical response is, "No thank you." And I hang up before I hear their rebuttal. I suppose it's sort of polite, since I say thank you.
3. How old were you when you first tasted alcohol and did you enjoy it?
It was my sophomore year of high school, I suppose I was 16. We mixed some Strawberry Schnapps with Mountain Dew. The guy who bought it for us gave us each a tiny shot and took the rest (his fee, I guess). We drank from big sports jugs with straws. Then we walked uptown (the town that I grew up in has a population of 800 people) and acted like idiots. None of us felt a thing. It was fun, but not because of the alcohol. I suppose I enjoyed it, but not because of the alcohol.
The second time I had alcohol is what I count as the first time I really had alcohol (or it had me). Still my sophomore year, last day of 10th grade, party at the river. Drank too many beers, peed in poison ivy, cried out the truck window all the way home. I was so busted the next day when I broke out with poison ivy all up and down my legs and backside. My parents figured that, coupled with my monstrous hangover were punishment enough for my actions. It was fun while it was happening, but I paid for it the next day!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
We're still going to the zoo for a play date Friday, but will obviously be doing indoor exhibits. Grrr...
I've done absolutely not-much all day, except for the constant parade of food/diapers/entertainment for the 3 and under set. You'd think I'd want to keep all of my hard work up (cleaning, cleaning, cleaning) from the last two days. Not so much. It's much more of a stay in your jammies and snack on goldfish crackers kind of day. Lots of sitting, followed by playing, coupled with sitting. Durrr....
Ah well...I guess today is my DAY OFF.
Monday, April 2, 2007
That made me wonder: who am I writing this for? When I started this in December, I really thought of it as an extension of my own diary; that I would write it for myself. Then I thought it might be a nice journal of our family's comings and goings, something my kids could look at someday like a baby book. Then I started reading other blogs and vice verse and now it seems I'm writing to those who may stumble upon it and read it. I'm writing to an audience. Is that what I wanted? I really like the hobby this has turned in to, like having pen pals from Texas to Canada. I really like that.
At the same time, writing to an audience certainly changes the tone of what I am writing. You see, I'm a people pleaser to a fault. I don't like unpleasant things and try not to speak of them, unless I am putting myself down - then I have no problem. But I don't like to whine, and I won't put down others. So now that I am writing to an audience, venting is certainly tamed down from what it would be in my own diary. Is it as cathartic if I'm editing myself?
I've also given the address to a few friends and also let my mom see it. I don't see why not, I don't write anything that I wouldn't let anyone see. So now it's definitely not a place where I will vent EVERYTHING. I saw one blogger who has a private blog that only she can open. There's an idea, a diary that she keeps right along her blog, that only she can see. I would be too tempted to share it and inevitably would. My life is pretty much an open book.
So what is my point here? I guess just the thoughts I've had on who I'm writing this for and why. It really has changed since I started, for the better, I think...
I'm glad I've met other women. Smart and funny women who bring their own quirkiness to motherhood. I enjoy that so much because I don't really fit in any mold and I appreciate sharing that with others who don't either. Not to mention how funny you all can be. Then there are posts that really get me thinking on topics that I didn't even know I wanted to think about.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Now we're winding up a great weekend with Palm Sunday services and an Easter egg hunt at the in-laws. The best part of it all is that it is our school district's spring break, so we're off for the week! The kids are going to daycare for a day or two so I can shovel out the piles of laundry and filth that have overtaken our home. Then we'll spend 5 days together with no interruptions of work or other daily grind-type activities. I'm so glad for a break, it was definitely time for a break.
Happy spring to all. I fully plan to enjoy this Holy Week with a grateful heart. My life is so full and my family is so blessed.