1/3

A day back to work after two weeks off...brain...fuzzy...

A Good Remider to OBEY THE LAW

I suffer horrible claustrophobia. I have always assumed it's because when I was three, I had a spinal tap under duress. My mom was made to wait outside of the room and I freaked. Or was I four? All I know is that my entire life, I've been afraid of small places, being restrained in any way, and locked doors.

Today, as a part of my new job, I delivered papers to our county's detention center. If a student receives special education services, they receive them anywhere...despite their current circumstances.

I was buzzed into a small space, a hallway really, and asked to wait. So I sat and waited. Calmly. I noticed all of the crickets, dead and alive, and thought about how lucky it was that I wasn't afraid of insects. A person would freak out in there if they were afraid of insects. I thought about how warm it was in that tiny hall, what with there being no ventilation. Then my eyes wandered to the door I'd come through. Locked. The door into the building? Also locked.

I rang that buzzer again. Hello? Is anyone coming? "Yes, ma'am. They're just clearing the lunch room."  This is when I remarked, as calmly as I could, to the nice voice in the buzzer that I am horribly claustrophobic, and could I please just go wait back outside??? I think I heard a slight chuckle in his voice when he told me yes. When I was buzzed back in, the female officer told me to wait while she checked with the sergeant, to make sure it was okay for her to accept the work I was dropping off. I asked her, as calmly as I could, could I please go wait outside while she finds out? She was not amused. She buzzed me out.

A few minutes later the nice voice behind the buzzer told me that we were all set and I could go.
Thank goodness.

I was shaken.

So...I must remember to NEVER find myself an inmate. I would surely lose my mind!

I'm not even sure yet how I'll handle it next time I have to go there as an educator. Maybe the nice voice behind the buzzer will let me wait the entire time outside? Maybe I could just mail the papers?

Sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time flies.

And now we are all in school. The kids will spend their days at our neighborhood elementary school, B is in 3rd grade and Buddy is a kindergartener. Wow.

J and I spend our days at local high schools. The Hubs is principal at our districts high school and I work for the public schools as a special education teacher in the resource room at a parochial high school. It's a strange position to be in, but so far I love it! I always say that the Hubs and I are such nerds about school that we decided to spend our whole lives going there.

This year is sure to be crazy busy, but so much fun. I can't wait to see what sort of brain expansion occurs. We have a new token economy for our screen time (it involve chips worth 30 minutes each and budgeting time for how to spend them). We started it this weekend and it worked great. I'm hoping that it helps reduce some of the fights for how to balance time. The kids will start fall activities in a couple of weeks and I'd like to get a solid school routine down before we get too far into the year.

The best part about this year? My hours. I work 12-4. Meaning that when I get home from dropping the kids off to school, I have a few hours to do chores/errands...and ahem, a little computer time.

It is balance that I seek, yet again. I think we are off to a great start for finding it this year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here We Go Again

So summer's over. Everything has changed.

We took a trip to Kansas City over B's birthday and I came back to a job interview and a new job. I'm going to be working afternoons as a special education teacher at our local parochial school and started last Friday. My head is so heavy with new information, it makes for very little room for anything else.

My own kids start school on Monday. My little Buddy is going to kindergarten and B will start third grade. Two school age kids in the house and we are all so excited! I tell everyone that the Hubs and I both love school so much we decided never to leave (we both work in high schools) so the whole kindergarten thing is NOT sad, but a cause for celebration! That doesn't stop me from getting a little nostalgic and perhaps a wee bit melancholy about the speedy passage of time and the lack of babies in my home and the massive changes that these kids have undergone in such a short period of time.

That being said, we are all very excited for the year to begin. I can't believe that my year off is over and here we are again. Working part-time is going to be a really great fit for the family, I'm grateful that it all worked out that way. Now if my brain can just catch up and comprehend everything it's been learning over the past week. I'll be good to go.

I'm Fine

There's a scene at the end of Steel Magnolias where a friend asks Sally Field how she's doing following her daughter's funeral. She's says, "I'm fine." Then yells it, "I'M FINE!!!!!!!!!" She goes on to say that while her daughter is now buried in the ground, she is fine and healthy, and that it feels rotten.

That's a bit how I've felt this past week. My friends at the school where I taught up until this year faced tragedy. The kind that makes national news. It has been awful, gut-wrenching, and heart-breaking. But I'm fine.

It has brought back to my mind how much I miss my school and my friends there. I miss the routine of going there every day and seeing everyone. I miss teaching. But I'm fine.

They lost one of their administrators to this awful event, they will say good-bye to her tomorrow. The head principal was also shot and faces a long road back. The people left to run the school have a mountain of work ahead of them, all the while trying to deal with their own emotions.

Meanwhile I'm snowed in and unable to be there to give my friends a hug. But really, I'm fine.

I have so much swirling in my head about school shootings and angry teenagers and tragedies and why. But I'll just leave them there. This was something I thought about almost every day when I worked there, knowing that an angry teenager with a gun could cause so much pain.

There were people who told me last week that they were glad I wasn't there any more, that they were so glad that I was safe. It's been so weird how differently I feel about that. I can't be there, I wasn't there, and I'm fine.

Fine just doesn't always feel so good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Little Lighter

My little joke today was that the checklist was like a scavenger hunt. Only really I was just turning in all of my teacher stuff. Faculty handbook, emergency procedures guide, etc. The bottom of the page was only for those teachers who have retired or resigned.

I guess I resigned...so I had to do that stuff too. Laptop. ID badge. Parking tag. Keys.

All handed in.

Now what?

It is strange. I have no idea at this point what is next. I only know we'll move to our new town once our house here sells and that I'm going to be on hand to be the best wife and mom that I've ever been.

The thought of that is so exciting and surprisingly scary and pretty much exactly what I had been hoping for this winter when Hubs started talking about a new job.

Hey - no use asking why when your prayers get answered, right?!

So I guess now it's time to put myself in action.

Mom. Wife. And still a teacher. Just not quite the same as before.

Free.

I like it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Can't Say I'm Not Disappointed

I'm still very excited about the upcoming launch of the website Momaha.com

I think it's such a great idea. A way for moms to connect in a local site, I think it's going to be so much fun!

But I'm not going to be writing for them.

I had written a rough draft for what would have been my first post, possibly going up in February. I saw the editor's finishing touches and thought it was a pretty good post! Then I saw my name at the end. And my kids' names. And my husband's name...

And it hit me.

I can't do this.

Crap.

So I wrote the editor a "WE NEED TO TALK" email and declined the offer to join the mom bloggers. I was bummed. Beyond bummed. I felt bad too, that I was leaving this editor, someone I had fun getting to know through emails, without one of her mom blog team members. I know how unexpected changes at work can create stress.

It just all came to me at once. I am a teacher. My husband is a school administrator. It occurred to me that I can't really be putting myself out there like that. Not really. What if I write something that ticks off someone off? What if someone creepy uses that public forum to "find us". What if, what if, what if. I know it stinks to think that way, but I have to think that way.

I have to maintain a certain objectivity and a very high level of professionalism in my career. The Hubs' too.

This tiny blog right here has been no problem, writing for a local site that is sponsored by our city's newspaper? Way too public for this mama.

So here is where I'll stay. Tiny. Non-monetized. Opinionated but semi-anonymous.

My future career as a famous blogger ended before it even began...

I'll leave you with my first post that will never be:

I tell people that being a mom is my very favorite thing I’ve ever done. And it is.

But it’s so much more than that, isn’t it?
There’s the wife part. The teacher part. The daughter-sister-aunt-cousin-friend-niece-granddaughter part.
The cooking, the cleaning, the driving, the planning.
It can be a lot at times.
Writing, for me, has been a great escape. A place to hide. Because where better to hide than on the Internet?!
Honestly, I find comfort in the company of others. But I don’t always have the time to actually spend WITH others. So if I can reach out — from home, in my jammies — why not?
I started blogging three years ago on a complete whim. I was completely hooked.
Blogging has been a constant for me over the past three years. It has been therapy. It has been a hobby, a distraction, an outlet. It’s been a way to catalog precious memories. Even sometimes to vent.
I am here to share those same moments.
Because sometimes there is just nothing better than being able to hear from someone else that they know exactly what you are going through, in good times or bad.
That’s my favorite part of blogging. And what excites me so much about momaha.com. What better place to connect with other Omaha moms?
So join me here. Join us here. It’s bound to be exactly what you’ve been missing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another One Down - 27 To Go

It is summer now? Now??? NOW?!?!?!

One week from tomorrow is our last day of work/daycare/etc. Then I get to be a stay-at-home mommy for a couple of months. I have big plans to get us out and about this summer. Now that my little man is three, he's slightly more portable.


I'm also excited that my B is taking a three week summer class offered by our district. The subject is Spanish and I have big hopes that she'll really enjoy it. I am hoping to take advantage and spend some quality time with my M, who is now three and developing a very distinct personality. I want to get to know him in a new way, just him. Minus the distraction of his sister and his...ahem, "friendship" with her.

For three hours a morning, four days a week, for three weeks. That's 36 hrs of mommy and me time.

But why do I wait for summer? Why do I not use my weekends in a more constructive way with my kids? Exhaustion. Stress. Housework. DVR.

I will always say this: I think teaching is the best of both worlds, parenting-wise. For those who want to work outside the home, but are conflicted about it. It provides both the income our family relies on and time to connect with my kids. I'm so grateful for both!

So in approx. 8 days, it's summer! Woot! And we are going to make the most of it this year.
I plan to make it so.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I Do

Our local paper featured two of the biggest and funnest spring activities that I help my students participate in.

Our Special Friends Prom was May 2.
[Be sure to check out the gallery!]

We went fishing on May 12.
[The first teacher mentioned in that article might even be yours truly.]

It's one of the reasons I keep loving what I do. Education comes in many forms, including the recreational stuff.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Worse Than the F Bomb

I used the word "retard" in my classroom today.

Can you believe that students with disabilities actually use this word on each other? It is a widely used, widely misused, word.

It makes me incredibly mad.

I talked to my students today about bullying each other. It's something they do with each other, just like a lot of other teenagers. The teasing, the name calling, the picking on each other. There are several students who get really fired up and loud, they are the most fun to tease, since they can really put on a show.

I told the kids that the word r-word makes me madder than the f-word. That made a few eyes go wide.

I just don't get it. And I hear it a lot. Kids use it as a common adjective, synonymous with dumb or stupid. Only it has a little more bang to it, I guess.

I also hear plenty of adults using it. "That's retarded." "My mother-in-law is such a retard."

Sigh.

It is not okay to use that word. Just like you wouldn't use any other derogatory word about a group of people to perpetuate a stereotype. Well, some people do that too, but they shouldn't.

The students I teach are diagnosed with mental retardation, mental handicap, or cognitive disabilities, intellectual disabilities. Nebraska state law uses the term mental handicap (mild, moderate, or severe), but the other terms get used elsewhere. It's all the same thing, but it doesn't deserve to be used as a word for dumb.

My students can learn. They are differently abled. They bleed, they cry, they feel. They laugh, they love, they soar. They are people, deserving of respect for the challenges they face, deserving of being treated like...people.

I've been trying to articulate my feelings on this post since the controversy about the ridiculous
Ben Stiller movie (an actor that I usually enjoy) that used the word numerous times. There are several blogs I read that have talked about boycotting the movie, and believe me, I won't be watching that movie. Michelle at Big Blueberry Eyes knows plenty about it, as does LuvMyPeanut. Visit either one of these lovely ladies and you'll get the scoop.

I've also considered ending my reading of celeb news at Perez Hilton (total guilty pleasure, I do in secret on my google reader). He uses the term "celebutard" when describing celebrities' offspring. It's not funny.

So today I taught my students something else. The word retard is not allowed in my classroom. Several have known it before today, when I corrected their individual behavior. Now they all know. I went there and laid it all out for them.

I just really hope they were listening. That you are listening.

Retarded is not an appropriate adjective. Retard is not a funny word.
Please don't use it.

You can read more on the topic here. If you're interested.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at It - With a Bit of Gusto

After getting violently ill on Tuesday, while also taking care of my mildly ill toddler, we are all back to school and doing okay today. Luckily the little man lost no weight, never really acted sick, and just struggled with the backside of stomach flu. I haven't been so sick since about age 12, but luckily mine didn't hang on for five days!

So today I was back to feeling pretty dang good, which makes me want to duck since that's what usually gets me in trouble. That's when the universe smacks me in the head with something to remind me that life is not a Rogers and Hammerstein musical! Despite what I hear in my head! (A running soundtrack of South Pacific, in case you are wondering).

I was back to school yesterday and realized that it's all good when you miss your work a little. It's a nice balance to miss your kids during the day at work, and to miss your work a little when you're home sick. Suddenly I'm enjoying my work with a new gusto. Thinking that my students might actually learn from me and maybe that I have something to share.

I feel like I spend a good chunk of my week just explaining to staff at our school how to let kids with disabilities just be in their classrooms and in the lunchroom and out and about in general...without feeling all nervous for them. What if they get made fun of? Well obviously I stick up for these kids with a whole lot of energy, but I also just want them to taste the high school experience. All of it. If that means running into some jerks now and then, didn't we all? And hey, how did you learn? From making mistakes! So how about letting these kids, who have some physical or cognitive differences get those real life lessons too. I'm obviously not talking about bullying or harassment here, but hey - I'm not educating these kids in a plastic bubble either.

"Students with disabilities are more similar to their peers than they are different." said our special education director. And I say Hear Hear!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Woo and a Hoo

elation: noun
1. an exhilarating psychological state of pride and optimism; an absence of depression [ant: depression]
2. a feeling of joy and pride

I've had one of those days where everything came together and I got a ton of work accomplished. My to do list is shorter than it was yesterday. I almost feel prepared for students on Thursday.

I've got friends having babies and makin' babies all over the place, their prayers finally answered.

My daughter, my B, has her first day of school tomorrow. A big kindergartner with big dreams.
Tears will be impossible to hold back tomorrow morning at 8:30.

I'm excited to see students I haven't seen since May. I feel so much less distracted than I have in the past three years. I'm suddenly not a teacher on probation, my position feels a little more permanent. I know a little bit more of what I'm doing than I did last year. I'm getting a system that works for me. There is a sadness lingering way below the surface, but I refuse to let it ruin a day like today. Today, the angels were smiling down on me.

This day, this perfect day. Everything aligned to make it the perfect, productive day.

Now I'm sipping a cold beer, waiting to watch Olympics coverage.

It's days like today that can keep a girl going for weeks.
Days like today that make a girl perky again.

What a Week

I worked all week and to be honest, it felt great. I was so tired last night, I fell asleep at 8:30! Something I haven't done since being pregnant (NO! I'm not pregnant).

Today we had our big district kick-off, where all of the teachers (there are 1500 or so!) are in one place to hear the superintendent speak and then enjoy a keynote address together.

I'm a generally optimistic, enthusiastic person who enjoys such things with great pleasure. There are people who grumble about it being a waste of time, but not me. I like feeling part of something so big, so important. I like having a day where we get a pat on a back and a thank you for what we do. Not to mention, free breakfast.

The highlight of the morning was getting to listen to Erin Gruwell. She's the teacher that Hilary Swank played in the movie Freedom Writers. I love this movie and was so excited to hear her speak. She did not disappoint. She talked about teaching to the kids, not to the test. She talked about caring about the students and really finding out what motivates them. It was a great morning.

I am excited for the year to come. I feel so scattered and tired right now, trying to process everything I've heard today.

It is important, this teaching thing. I am honored to be given the chance to try it out, I only hope that some day I'll feel like I've lived up to the challenge.

We Gave Back

Last winter, I felt compelled to join a challenge that involved upping the ante in my personal life. I was going to give back.

Whether true or not, I feel that my profession has been a calling. I have been working with people who have disabilities for about ten years. This has been something that was not planned by me, but something I stumbled into junior year and never left. It is perhaps a gift, it has always fulfilled me. I love my work now, as I'm able to teach young people with disabilities functional skills that will serve to transition them to the next step in their lives, be it our district's transition program (kids with special needs may attend public school until they are 21) or a job after high school.

This past spring semester, my co-teacher and I taught a unit on community service. We taught kids about giving back to the community, what types of community service are available, and why someone would participate in a volunteer job. Students used the internet to look up local agencies where they could possibly volunteer. I also had them present what they learned about service to the rest of the class.

In May, we went to a camp run by Boys & Girls Club. We worked for an hour and a half helping them clean up their camp. Half of the group helped to move a pile of branches off of their volleyball courts to another spot and the other group picked up litter along their fenceline. Every student helped. It was hot and it was hard work. Many complained, but everyone worked.

When we were finished, we went inside for sack lunches and a presentation about Boys & Girls Club and what they are all about. The staff there told our students that they provided about $500 worth of service that day and that it was 50 hours of work that we saved them. It was a great day.

When we got back, I emailed the staff at our school. I presented them with a definition of achievement and stated that it comes in many forms. I told my fellow teachers that on that day, my students demonstrated proficiency in community service. It struck a nerve and I received many emails back from colleagues praising our students. Then my principal asked that the photos I had taken be put on the front page of our school's website. My special education director was so proud, she asked that it be put on our district's web page as a news item, and it was! What a positive message that was shared, not to mention how proud my students were to be local celebrities on the internet!

Not only did my students learn about giving back to the community, but so did I.

As I teach, I always learn.

The Talk

Today I taught a group of 12 teenagers with special needs about how the endocrine system tells the reproductive system to wake up around the age of 12. And that's how you start to mature.

I got through a chapter using the words penis, vagina, testicles, and puberty without giggling once. I even gave the 'mom' look to a few who couldn't help it.

I take this as a sign that perhaps I am finally a grown up.
Maybe.

And how was your day?

Kill Joy

"I remember being this busy last year. I remember being stressed. I'm not sure why I don't remember feeling so very tired," said Melanie to a co-worker this morning. Then, "I laid right on the carpet, face down, last night while I waited for the computer to turn on."

It's that time of year again.
The only thing I can think to write about is to whine about my job.

My great job.
My job that fulfills my need to extend my hand to folks with disabilities. My need to do paperwork (why do I love paperwork so? I just don't know). My need to handle office supplies. I really love sticky notes. I have an unhealthy affection for Sharpies. Also ink pens. Paper clips. My love of an office. Any office.

I have this fantastic career that pays well, in my opinion. Many people disagree. I don't. I work 194 days a year. I make a decent "hourly" wage. I make more than a big percentage of the population.

It provides what we need. Coupled with the Hubs' salary.
We could be richer. We could be poorer.

Then, why oh why, do I feel the need to whine about how tired, stressed, over-extended, burnt out, used and abused I am.

Oh poor, poor middle class teacher lady.

It will pass. The whining. It really will.

Lovely summer posts coming soon.

Four more weeks!
Summer lovin', comin' to a blog near you!

Also - the recent spring weather (that came just two days ago) has my heart filled with joy. I smell spring in the air. Finally. I smile when I leave the school building. I feel the sunshine and it brightens my being. Yet, I can only think of the whining.
It will pass.

School Daze

I formulate blog posts every day at school, walking in the halls. About cliques, teenagers, culture, technology, and more. By the time I'm here, at home, ready to post...I can't recall what it is I was so fascinated by. But here's a piece:

• teen flirting. girl sits on the bench, one ear piece (ear bud? headphone?) connected to her IPod, in her ear, obsessively opening and shutting her cell phone to check for texts, I assume. boy stands about 4 feet away, pacing, also checking his phone, opening and shutting it, either checking the time or for texts. they talk nervously in broken sentences but have so much between them...the gadgets...just sit down and talk to each other!
• cliques: I often daydream that my kids will be in the band. in a big school like this one, the band is its own thing. they are all band geeks and I LOVE it. the hubs surely dreams of his future athletes, I want mine in the swing choir, jazz band, or school drama club.
• hormones: I remember last spring thinking that it was amazing that all of the teenagers sort of lost their minds and thought every thought from their groins. Even though we are in the dead of winter, I see it happening already. they are coupling off, staring dreamily at each other, longing for one more minute of passing time to make out.
• cliques. the adult kind. I'm more aware of the coaches suddenly. and more judgmental about them than I knew. they really are the jocks from high school. the boys grew up to be men and they still travel in packs. so giddy with their games. I think I envy that.

That's all I can recall for now. When I walk the halls, it's so much more poetic in my mind. Complete with punctuation and capitalization. Something happens between there and home. I can say this, I really love being at school. There's something about the atmosphere, the learning, the clubs, the cliques. It is exactly where I want to be.

Perhaps next week, when I walk the halls, I'll be able to remember those articulate thoughts that race through my mind. I feel lucky to work in a place that inspires me so. Even if I'm too drained afterwards to recall.

I Heart School

Aside from the fact that this week has been completely overwhelming, I love back-to-school!

I love classrooms, books, pep rallies, bell schedules, papers, pencils, lesson plans, binders, reading, writing, and 'rithmetic...all of it.

Being a teacher rocks!

Staying Flexible, Feeling Tired

Note on the menu plan front: I always allow for changes. For example: tonight there was no way in hell I was cooking pork chops in the oven for an hour, when I came home from work at 6:15. So tonight was Chinese take-out, tomorrow will most likely be left over Italian from the last two pasta meals I've made. I'll probably modify my pork chop recipe to throw in the crock pot on Thursday. I can't plan to bake something for that long on a school night when we've just started back (not home early enough). I just push stuff down the list if it gets moved. If it looks like meat will get put aside for more than a few days in the fridge, I throw it in the freezer. It's super-convenient, flexible, and I've already got the groceries. I call it doing what works.

I've worked 20 hrs in the past two days and am likely to work 10 more tomorrow. It's only bad for a few weeks and then I'll be able to leave by 4:00 for the majority of days. Here for a while though, we are all pretty tired. Sigh.

I'm off to do a few more things for work yet tonight, so I can be ready for more tomorrow. It will be Wednesday already, the week is absolutely flying away. Nightie night.

Grains

This week, as I face going back to work full time, I am trying really hard to be grateful for that. I have a good education and a career that I felt called to do. When I think of the situation that some women are in, living in this very same city, I am so glad that I have a job. Something that I love to do. Something that helps us live in the house that we do, maintaining the life that we do.

Being a working mother has been a role that I sometimes have mourned, but this morning I am being thankful.

Thankful for my education and for my career, two things that I so often take for granted.