Sunday, October 11, 2009

A Day For Wallowing, Apparently

I wonder how many years it will take.
How many years until this time of year doesn't leaving me feeling sad.

The time of year that my friend found out her cancer had returned three years ago. The time of year that my nephew began his fight with leukemia two years ago. The time of year that the wheels fell off, almost literally when I crashed my van into a cement wall leaving the children's hospital. The time of year when I mourned the deaths of two really good friends, both having lost their fights with cancer. The time of year when chaos reigned and I had no choice but to simply keep putting one foot in front of the other. The time of year that I lost a student to a car accident.

The time of year when the weather turns and we are waiting again for spring.

There is so much good now. My nephew, he beat leukemia and is healthy! My kids are great.
We are doing well.

Yet this darkness swells in me. The tears flow.
I can't shake the sadness.

How long until I realize that I am okay. We are okay.
This time of year shouldn't leave me feeling so broken.

Yet it does.

It's times like these I am so grateful for my faith in God.
He is all that holds me up.

I will feel better tomorrow and am thankful for that too.

But tonight. Well tonight it's all a little too real.

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.


It's so STRANGE. I just checked out October of last year, to see if I was feeling this way. And sheesh, I wrote this post on October 11th last year. I have goose bumps. It must be cyclical. Oddly enough, finding that post made me smile. Knowing I was in this boat last year and made it through just fine. Who knew my own blog could be my therapy. Oh wait, I did.



Anonymous said...

Once you lose your safety net it's hard to recapture the sense of freedom -- even if logically you know it's okay.

My worst month is November. It's bleak. And long. And the sun barely peaks above the horizon and then suddenly it's setting again. And the promise of Xmas fun is near, but not near enough. And...

I'm gonna stop there. I feel a crying jag coming on.

Aliki2006 said...

These things ARE cyclical--I do believe that we respond to seasons and places in these ways...

I'm sorry this is such a melancholy time of the year for you--the beginning of the summer is for me...I hope the melancholia passes and you can turn to the good things to come.

MidwestTwinGirl said...

Oh cousin,

My time of year is Easter. Every year for four years in high school. Both Grandpas within a year of each other, one friend to a car accident, and one uncle. Myron was one week before our high school graduation. It was terrible. I still get a little pinch in my chest when Easter comes around.

How about we make annual plans for a fun day? We could invite family and tell stories and laugh until we cry!

Veronica said...

Your blog is very good. I'm sorry to just leave a comment - I couldn't find an e-mail or other contact info for you here. I'm an editor at the Omaha World-Herald in charge of a soon-to-be-born mommy Web site for Omaha moms. I'd like you to be a part of it. Could you please shoot me an e-mail or call ( or 444-1535) so we could talk more?



Mama said...

Hey, OM, I was gonna say that when each of or 4 children graduated from high school one of the men in our family died. I thought I was gonna die but what I figured out (after my brain cleared) was........ I can do it!! I can make it through REALLY tough times. AND we're all okay. I am thankful for the time I got to know those men and I am a better person for having known them. I experienced unconditional love from all 3 of them and for that I can only be happy.

Mama said...

Oh my gosh, OM. I just read the comments!!! I'm so excited for you!! THIS IS AMAZING!! OCTOBER IS THE MONTH YOU GOT A COMMENT FROM AN EDITOR!!!!!

Jen said...

Isn't it strange how it can just hit you sometimes - triggered by a memory or event or month of the year. I hope tomorrow does feel better for you!

Michelle said...

I'm sorry this is such a sad time of the year for you - I think this time of the year will always have that reminder for you, but just know it is ok to take that time to remember those lost loved ones and mourn, but to know that you will go on and get through each day.

How exciting about the possible opportunity with the Omaha World Herald! Please keep us in the loop about what happens with that :)

Katy said...

Powerful post. I think many people have a time of year that dredges up memories we'd rather forget.

Beck said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. For me, it's November - too many bad memories, too long, too joyless, too cold and too dark. But we make it through these times, right?

Di said...

I just know that she is looking down on you Melanie and so proud of how well you are running the
MSH program as well as being a great mom and wife.
I sure had a struggle this summer with our wedding. She would have been in the planning every step of the way and loved it all.
Oh how I miss her so..........di

Jenifer said...

Late to chime in, but wanted to say it is nice to know you are not alone...reassuring that we all have our moments. Hope by now it has passed and your happy memories replace the sad ones.