Saturday, December 15, 2007

Some Whine With My Cheese

Warning: This is not a Happy Holiday Post. If that is what you are wishing for this evening, please overt your eyes and step away from this blog.

I've spent a little time today reading the past three months of my posts.
It made me cry. I had to get a tissue.

Mostly for the stuff I didn't write.
For the last weeks of comments from one of my best friends.
Jaqniel is the commenter who lost her battle to cancer on Thanksgiving.
I miss her.

Then there's my sweet nephew.
He's battling leukemia. And it's just not mine to write about. But it's breaking all of our hearts.
It's also filling them with pride.
HE IS STRONG.

I write mostly seasonal posts these days.
Of children and photos and changing weather.
Surface.

I've realized something about myself.
If I think about certain things too much, my heart feels with fear.
The evening news makes me cry.
So I keep things on the surface.
And pray my butt off.

We had a horrible, violent event in Omaha at one of our shopping malls.
A man shot up the place and killed people.
Here. In my new hometown.

Then there's the cancer. My friends and family who are battling cancer.
How does that not fill a person with anger and fear?

And our family's penchant for viruses and infections this fall/winter. I've got bronchitis and sinus infection. I can't draw a full breath. Yuck. Three of four in our household are taking antibiotics. It would be four, but he finished his round.

I feel like I shouldn't even hit publish here.
But I've been alluding to being somber and tired for months.

This is why.

I'm forever and optimist and believe 2008 will be better.
I believe in many things. That is what makes me smile.
Right now, I'm smiling.

5 comments:

Beck said...

2006 was a hard year for me - too many losses, too many hard times, too much sickness - and I wondered if I would ever be happy again. And then 2007 came and my heart was healed. Some years ARE dark and hard, but it won't last forever. Life will be good again.

Jenifer said...

I have been thinking of you! I wasn't sure where you are in Omaha, but when we saw that story on CNN I couldn't help wonder how close you were...I am so sad this was your town...not that it is acceptable for any town of course.

You have had a tiresome fall and it seems like it is still going strong.

I think we are very alike in that I can only think about certain things for so long then I need to push back, stay at the surface as you say.

I know you are hurting, just know even if you are not blogging you are in my thoughts.

Best wishes for a wonderful Christmas, may those sweet little faces light up your heart.

Michelle said...

I've been keeping your newphew in my prayers...also thought about you when I heard about the shooting, how awful and tragic that was. Wish I could give you a hug.

Oh, The Joys said...

You know, sometimes I go as far as to say that hope is my religion so I know what you're saying.

I've been going through a pretty dark time ever since my Granny died and I try hard to find something else to post about when all I really want to write is "AAAAHHHHHGGGGHHHH!!!!!"

When I am true to myself and write what is really going on for me, those are the best, most cathartic posts.

Also, I have tried to stop worrying about who is reading and focus only on my mom, my dad, my husband. If anyone else reads it that's great, but ultimately it is a record of the real person that their mother was for The Mayor and The Rooster.

Midwest Beach Girl said...

I feel a "best of 2007" list coming on....Looking back and remembering everything good that happened, especially during the bleak times always helps me to smile a little more.
Love From Florida!
Stace