Thursday, August 27, 2009

Air

My little man.

I tend to not get too stuck in my past as a mom. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my kids' as babies, except when I'm scrapbooking or blogging. I don't think back to their infancy, I don't mourn their growth. I get excited at each new milestone.

That would be why I was completely shocked the other day when it hit. I had picked up B's photo album. It's one she carries around and has us read to her like a picture book. It's a fabric covered photo book with little satin booties on the front. Inside, it holds her very first pictures. It tells of her beginning. It was laying on the couch where she had set it aside and I didn't really think much when I picked it up.

As I started looking through it, I got the strangest sensation. Almost as if I couldn't breathe. This ache. For something I couldn't even put my finger on.

Suddenly, I realized. I will never again see that baby face. That tiny little self. She is here now, six years old and on her way to fully grown. I let myself just wallow in it for a minute.

Then I had to think about the little man. And how quickly his own baby self has gone away. And took his toddler self with it.

In their place, I have these two active, funny, clever little children who fill our home with love, noise, and sometimes exhaustion (as I hear their creative play upstairs turn to shouts at this very minute).

I was telling my mom about this strange occurrence and she described to me how she sometimes gets that same ache, still. She knew exactly what I was talking about and could describe it perfectly. I am her baby. So I guess this may not be the last time I get this strange feeling. This oxygen stealing sappiness.

It also totally makes me see why people just keep on having babies. Having one to snuggle right now would sure help with that ache.

My gratitude for the growth and development of my kids is daily. We are blessed.

But there are moments. When the blur of the past six years comes into focus for a moment and I just have to sit. And breathe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom wrote this as we were growing up, it just sums it all up so nicely. She's far more poetic than me...

They grow so
Tall, they
Get away,
And I just
Stand and
Watch.
How can I ever
Have grown
So old in
So short a
Time.
If the clock
Will not slow
Itself, then
I must be
More selfish
With each
Day.
There must be
More time
Allowed
For sharing
My children’s
Growth.
I can never
Go back,
So then I shall
Savor more
Wholly, the
Growing forward.

10 comments:

nikkis30by30 said...

I know EXACTLY that feeling you are talking about. It has hit me a couple of times this last week. Although I DO love watching the milestones, sometimes I just want to love that baby again.

It's funny you posted this. I just watched Mamma Mia for the first time. Bawled like a baby when she sang the song about her slipping out of her grasp or however it goes. At that very minute, J jumped in my lap for a good long rocking in the recliner. Those are the moments I love the most.

nikkis30by30 said...

Oh and.....

I knew it was a brain!!!!! ;)

Mama said...

Loved you momemt. I, too, get so emotional when I look at those pictures. I loved that time but no more than any other with my children. There are two of me. The mom who lives in wonder of what will happen next with my children and the mom who could have had a baby every spring. The mom of wonder is my brain the mom of babies is my heart. I learned to have my brain take over so I wouldn't become.. foolish or illogical or ridiculous. I'm not sure of the word but it would not have been wise. I still get so excited with what my children are doing. They are all "wonder-full".

Subspace Beacon said...

Maudlin. That's what baby photos do to me. Make me foolishly emotional -- I think it's more acute for our generation of mothers b/c digital photography helps us (over)document every bit of their childhood.

Jen said...

It hits me every once in a while as well - especially when I look at photos. I see the kids every day (obviously) but every once in a while I catch a picture that stuns me...of my oldest looking so old...of my youngest looking their age, no more chubby cheeks and those chubby little toddler legs that I remember. I love the new milestones, I love that I'm getting to share so much with these amazing big kids that they are becoming...but I'm also thankful for the moments you described - sometimes you need that to just remind you that it is going by so quickly, and as your mom said, the need to savor the moments. I love the "be more selfish with each day" line.

Kim said...

I love this post.

Be thankful that you don't live in these moments.....they just visit you briefly.

I wish I could rid myself of this ache.

I wish I could convince my husband to have another baby.

I wish we didn't have to grow old.

Aliki2006 said...

I so very, very much understand--both the ache you feel, and the sentiment in your wise mom's poem. I sometimes feel greedy the way I want to snatch hold of all my children's moments and just hold them to my heart, unwilling to let them go.

Nicole said...

SOB.

Jenifer said...

I know exactly how you feel! I was so sad shopping for baby clothes the other day because I could not get anything in the 0-12 months section...Sweetpea is topping 21 pounds at 7 months. She is still a baby and I am already getting the feeling.

I think (and hope) this is normal because I find myself longing for their baby selves myself.

Michelle said...

Couldn't have said it any better myself! thanks for sharing your mom's poem too!