bad mom

A few weeks ago I signed up to read to my daughter's preschool class. They were taking end-of-the-day reading volunteers, so I excitedly signed up. Being a school teacher, I don't generally get to do room mother kinds of things, so an end-of-the-day task made me giddy. Oh, I thought, it's way at the end of March, I'll put it on my calendar later. March 28th, I will remember.

I picked up my daughter today and she came running up, "Mommy! Aren't you going to read for us today?" My heart sank. SANK. They were on the playground and it was a full 90 minutes after the allotted reading time. All the kids were on the playground, I couldn't exactly gather them all up for a quick read. I looked at her teacher (a young, non-mommy daycare employee with a background in early childhood education) and said, "Oh no. Was that today?!?!?" Didn't she know how sad I was? Obviously not, because she just nodded her head at me and looked judgey. This is a young woman that I usually chat on and on with on a daily basis. I get along with her quite well and love that she's there to take care of my child. I could tell that she was disappointed in me, so was I.

My heart broke.

Her 3-year old attention span had already moved on. She ran down the hill from the playground to the church (my kids go to daycare at our church). I apologized to her and said I got "stuck" at school, which I did, but I had also totally spaced it. She said, "Jen told me when I was going to nap that when I woke up my mommy would be here to read to us." She was matter of fact about it, I wasn't. I hate that feeling. Wanting to rewind to the day when I put off noting the date in my calendar. I really thought the end of March seemed so far off. There's no excuse. And I feel awful.

So I went inside and signed myself to come in to read this Friday and told my daughter I would be there. Then I turn around to see the parent-teacher conference sign-up sheet. It's her first parent-teacher conference and as a school teacher, this excites me to no end. I see the date. Oh no. I'll be out of town. For the first time in my life as a mommy, I'm going to a conference (The Nebraska Conference on Autism in a town 2 hours away) with co-workers and without my kids or the hubby. The first time that I'm going anywhere overnight on my own and what do you know? I'm missing parent-teacher conferences. Granted, it's 10 minutes, and it's for a 3-year old's preschool class. But still, it's important. The hubby will have to go do it. And you know how well men are at asking the right questions or retaining anything that was said to them (okay, maybe some are good - mine, not so much).

So I'm a little shaken. Feeling like a bad mommy today. I struggle with the whole working mom thing anyway (my own mother stayed home with us) and vacillate back and forth between wanting a career and wanting to stay home. It's days like this that mommy guilt sinks in.

Alas, my little one went to bed happy and loved. We took the dog for a walk. I made her a jelly sandwich for bedtime snack. She told me how much she loves me. She is no worse for the wear.

I do believe that perhaps I am.