Monday, May 21, 2007

4/28/03

Insomnia has me up tonight and writing in my old journal. You know the kind, where you get an actual pen and write on real paper. Crazy, I know.

Well I've planned for a while that I would post an old journal entry or two (or more). I've kept a journal (always called it a diary) since I was 9 years old. So roughly 20 years. And there are some great entries from the early days, I look forward to posting some of that silliness. But tonight I'll post one that's slightly more recent. And relevant to my life now.

So here goes (verbatim):

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Monday, April 28th, 2003

Over the past few days I've been reading my old journals and it's actually kind of upsetting. At first it was just funny to see how silly I was, but I started to get upset tonight, thinking of the time and energy I spent feeling bad about myself. I let all of these immature little boys make me feel less than worthy. They used me - a lot. Thank goodness I managed not to sleep with any of them. I did a lot of stupid things but that wasn't one of them. Probably due in a big way to my mom. She kept a fairly tight leash and by now I'm grateful. I told [hubs] last night I'm really glad we didn't meet until we were a little older and I meant it. I guess the good way to look at all of the heartache I put myself through is this - it all led me to where I am now, which is a wonderful, simple, relatively drama-free life.

The thing is, I'm 7 months pregnant. We have found out it's a girl. Her name will be Brenna. How can I help Brenna to be more self-confident? How can I teach her to pass on the guys who don't respect her? Will I be as strict as my mom and dad were? Is that what it takes?

These are tough questions - I guess I have 13 or so years to think more about it. Maybe if I could become more self-confident and respect myself - - I think that would speak volumes more than any lecture I can ever give her. Maybe that's it...maybe I just need to work a little bit on me first. Starting now.
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Wow. That was harder than I thought it would be. Typing that out without editing. But that was it. Just a couple months from having Brenna (who will soon be 4!) and worrying already about how I would help her learn from my mistakes.

Still haven't gotten that figured out yet, but I'm still trying!

6 comments:

Jacqniel said...

You will need a gentle leash and lots of open communication - especially since Brenna is well on her way to being a beauty! I agree with you that being comfortable in your own skin is important, too. One of my devotions this morning (by the way I really like the book you gave me at Christmas)was that God doesn't make mistakes when he forms us. Very timely.

Jenifer said...

If you do figure it out let me know! I think these are some universal feelings, because I sure can relate. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Michelle said...

I call them diaries too! I enjoy looking through my old ones every now and then (I admit I don't write much in one anymore, but I should start up again). A lot of mine were all about boys and how this one or that one broke my heart! :) Lessons learned!

Omaha Mama said...

That's one reason reading my diaries is so depressing. All broken hearts and falling in love. No middle ground. Lots of skipped days when I was on middle ground. Broken hearts and fresh love. One good thing about marriage, stopping that unmerry-go-round.

Mimi said...

Unmerry go-round indeed! That's it exactly. Ahhhh, I recognize myself in this diary entry, and in the past and future it narrates. Thank god for strict moms--even if mine was mostly strict in the indoctrinating a strong moral sense, sense. (I had a free run of time and space, but was really uptight. Thanks Mom!).

I look at Miss Baby and I think, "How do I help her not go through that too?"

I wonder if we all have to go through it, but the best we can hope for is to have the coping skills to make it out the other side not too scarred?

nikkis30by30 said...

Amen, Amen, AMEN. WHY did we do those things when we were younger? On the whole 30 by 30 thing, I keep thinking. "If I had only realized how beautiful I really was, I wouldn't have let it all go." **sigh** How do I stop my daughters from doing these things, too? Ohhhhh..... why oh why don't they tell you these things in a class?? We should start a class and call it BEFORE YOU HAVE KIDS, THINK OF THIS and we can tell the TRUTH about being parents. Not the getting up all hours of the night stuff they tell you in sex ed classes. That stuff seems so pud now. I mean the constant worry and wonder.

I hate to say it, but I am glad that as a youngster I didn't journalize. VERY GLAD. It would depress me more than I already am, I fear.