Friday, September 28, 2007

Permanent Color

For the first time in a while, I'm just trying to be me.

Trying, really hard.

I was about 20. He was noticing that I wasn't his high school sweetheart anymore. I was his college sweetheart. And my thighs were rounder. My hips grown. My hair had lost some of its blond hue, since I now spent my summers in the classroom rather than in working in the corn fields.

I was different and I didn't want to be.

He was my first love.

Have you ever heard the term, "He's not that into you"? I think it was a book that I didn't read. I probably should have.

He was not that into me for four years. But I gave him what he needed, and he took it all.

So I was twenty. I'd gained 20 lbs since high school. I was no longer a four sport athlete or the golden girl he met at a track meet in eleventh grade. I was becoming a woman.

Unfortunately, that was not to his standards. I could see it, feel it, and even hear it. "You look good in THAT outfit."

So I dieted. A lot. And started highlighting my hair.

Tonight, I did my first at-home hair color. And probably my last.

I don't have fake highlights any more.

I'm going to be real.

And even if tears spring to my eyes as I think of it, I'm going to accept myself as the woman I've become.

It may have taken 10 years.

But tonight I washed that man right out of my hair.


Alpha DogMa said...

Do it for yourself. Or do NOT do it for yourself. Internal validation is sadly underappreciated.

You should really read He's Just Not That Into You (or whatever it is called). It is funny and light. I enjoyed reading it and looking at my old relationships in a new light. A new inspiring, not-my-fault-it-failed light.

And that boy is soooooo sorry now. His loss. Omaha Papa's gain.

Jacqniel said...

I am SO proud of you! Big hugs, Jacque

Beck said...

Oh, I think I dated that guy - the guy who always was talking wistfully about how hot other girls were, this big lazy unappreciative lump. For three years. Yep.
Good for you.

nikkis30by30 said...

You made tears spring to my eyes too. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I am glad that you are finally seeing yourself for the woman that I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED. I, myself, find that as the 3-0 is pressing ever closer, I too am happier in my skin. We are mommies, wives, everything but super models. And who cares?? We, in my opinion, have it better than said models. Let's love life like we are 10 again!!

BIG HUGS!! Love you more than you know!

Jenifer said...

....And I dated his brother...I have learned that at the end of the day I need to be true to myself. No matter how hard that may be. I am sure people wonder sometimes, but I don't care.

Be you and be happy. Period.

Aliki2006 said...

I'll second what everyone said--good for you! You inspire me.

Swistle said...